


Anything But Predictable | Chapter 3

by alltimefail01



Series: Anything But Predictable (Zalex, 13rw) [3]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Bullying, Canon Ableist/Homophobic/Hateful language, Canon Disabled Character, Drama & Romance, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Post Season 2, Recovery, References to Canon, discussion of sexuality, mild violence, possible sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 12:30:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15995270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltimefail01/pseuds/alltimefail01
Summary: As the weather heats up and school comes to an end for summer vacation, Zach Dempsey and Alex Standall decide they are going to make sure that this summer will be different than the last-they're going to make the most of it before the start of their senior year.Between late-nights at Alex's house, long drives in Zach's car, adventures around town, road-trips, friendships, and honest conversations, two boys find that life has a way of drawing two people together in the best way, at the best time, exactly when they need it.





	Anything But Predictable | Chapter 3

**Author's Note:**

> Holy smokes you guys, this one was a wild ride to write. Three drafts, two all-nighters, and 15,000 edits later, I present the third chapter of "Anything But Predictable" ... FINALLY! 
> 
> I am so sorry it took forever to write: I am a perfectionist with occasional writer's block, and I didn't want to put this bad boy out until it was solid!
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who are reading, leaving kudos, and being so encouraging. I never anticipated anyone to enjoy this so seeing all the love is overwhelming in the best way! I hope you'll stick around and continue to like this story! The next chapter should be out sooner, I promise! Please comment and leave *kudos*! Every little bit of encouragement is appreciated sincerely.

                “Jesus, Zach… are we there yet?”

                Zach laughed at Alex’s impatience and darted his signature charming smile toward his best friend. “Yes, I promise that we are close.”

                “You said that like, 20 minutes ago.”

                “Well, the best things are worth waiting for, right?” Alex and Zach exchanged glances for a second, only the speechless and even breaths filling the space between them. Alex just nodded, turning the music back up and peering out the window at the unrecognizable scenery around him.

                Zach had been driving for about 2 hours, give or take. Driving was something that Zach loved to do because it made him feel like he was on the edge of something amazing. There was no way to explain it: when Zach was behind the wheel he felt a certain level of control that he never had anywhere else—not even with himself sometimes. His car was a safe-haven now, a vessel of more than just transportation. He loved the monotony of long roads, the ones where everything looked the same and everyone was driving so fast that it was almost like no one else was around you at all...ones that if you looked far enough into the distance, it looked like the very edge of the ground met the horizon of the sky and stopped there, like if you finally reached that point you would just ascend into the clouds, higher and higher into the blue abyss of nothing but air and light and absolute wonder. He reveled in the excitement of something new, somewhere new—a place where it was just pavement and thought, sunshine and the inevitable dawn of night, unrecognizable faces and no tainted memories itching underneath the skin.

                After his father passed away, Zach never wanted to stop driving because it was the only out he had from the real and difficult things that always seemed to come up around him. He hardly ever shared these moments with anyone because the idea of ripping yourself open just to be hurt again, or to lose people you cared about was exhausting. The most terrifying part was ripping yourself open and pouring everything out, leaving the seeds you plant to either flourish or wither—they could possibly be choked out by the weight of your own inner self, exposing all the parts of you that you keep hidden, basically drowning the seeds by the weight of the water you’ve spilled, leaving them in unsalvageable ruins. _But if you do take that risk and they flourish…_

                He peeked over at Alex who was humming along to the song buzzing from the car’s speakers: his fingers danced idly as if he were strumming along, his eyes were closed like he was trying to remember a moment that he could taste on the very tip of his tongue, but it was years away to him now—it lived in a completely different part of his psyche, not gone forever but not familiar enough to resurface. He felt a jolt of elation mingle with his nerves, pump through his veins, and entangle with the explosions going on in his core: he felt floaty, intoxicated completely with the idea of this _person_ —he wanted to drive faster and reach the horizon line and stay there forever: nothing but possibility and the promise of forever, the sweetest taste in the entire world.

                Finally opening his eyes, Alex looked at Zach and scoffed playfully, “Eyes on the road, Dempsey!”

                Zach absentmindedly sunk into his seat, biting at his bottom lip to keep from saying the words he wanted to say to Alex so desperately— a truth he’d been feeling for a while now but wasn’t ready to relinquish just yet. He laughed instead, which warmed Alex up and relaxed his entire body as he too sunk into his seat, sneaking a look at Zach’s GPS while he watched the road to see how many more minutes were left before they finally arrived at the secret destination—bouncy joy abundantly swirling its way to the surface, evident all over Alex’s face.

                Loneliness, Zach decided, was so much worse than ripping yourself open.

                Zach wanted to pour out and grow a god-damn garden.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                About 20 more minutes passed before Zach was taking an exit: five more passed before the car was turning right at a faded, friendly looking sign with the word “Welcome!” in yellow paint and a cartoonish depiction of a smiling sun just underneath. It was the kind of sign you had to really look for because not only did the trees hide it well, but it also was so old and faded that most people would probably not even take the time to examine it.

                Alex knew better than to ask questions, plus he trusted Zach and wanted the big reveal to happen when the time was right. This was, after all, a place that clearly excited Zach—Alex was just happy to be a part of that excitement now.

                He followed the very windy road: the trees fading away behind the car and dwindling in numbers until there was nothing but warm sunlight coming through the windshield again… and then Alex was able to take everything in.

                The road led to a beach, but it wasn’t a typical California beach filled with hot-judgey people, crying kids, desperate girls, douche-bag guys, and annoying tourists… it was completely devoid of that atmosphere. There was literally no one in sight, and though it was a small, quiet, hidden alcove it looked like the water was vast. It was so clean and natural, the way beaches should be—there wasn’t even trash debris scattered in the sand, which was so unreal to him.  Alex had avoided the beach ever since he was released from the hospital, too embarrassed to go to a place where he wouldn’t be fit enough, where he couldn’t do anything confidently but sit in the heat and watch everyone else enjoy themselves… Zach was the only one that knew how much he missed that level of normalcy, and he wanted to cry because here was this place that was just for Zach, but now he got to be there too and just feel normal and unafraid of whispers or sympathy looks. It was just him, Zach, and this amazing surprise and maybe it was a little stupid, but Alex was so unbelievably happy and emotional about it.

                Alex didn’t realize that he’d yet to verbally respond to the surprise, as his jaw was pretty much on the floor. “How the hell did you find this place?”

                Zach thought about it for a moment before finally responding with a cheeky grin, “I’ll tell you what: you come and sit with me by the water, I’ll tell you all about it.”

                Alex rolled his eyes, but nodded in agreement, “Obviously, did you think I was going to sit in your car by myself while you work on your tan or something?”

                “Well, I was hoping that wouldn’t be the case but it’s never too early for me to start working on my tan.”

                “Shut up Dempsey...”

                Zach winked at Alex before running around to his trunk and pulling out his duffle bag. Once he was finished grabbing what he needed from there, he jogged around to Alex’s door and helped him out of the car as always and led him down onto the beach and toward the water.

                “What’s the bag for?”

                “I brought towels and stuff, just in case I actually convinced you to get in.”

                “I’m not exactly the best swimmer at the moment, in case you forgot the whole thing about half of my body going to shit…”

                “Stop that, you swim great Alex... plus, I’d be right there. You’d be fine, trust me.”

                “So what, you’re a lifeguard now or something?”

                “Sure, why not?”

                “Tell me, is there anything you can’t do, or are the rest of us lesser beings supposed to just gawk at your ridiculous level of athleticism?”

                “Trust me, there are lots of things I can’t do. You’re doing great, Alex.” Zach emphasizes the last part firmly because he hates when Alex gets too cynical about himself, even if it is just a joke. Zach knows how amazing Alex is: he’s been re-teaching himself guitar and honestly and he’s probably even better now than he was before, physical obstacles and all—plus everything he writes is amazing, and he’s way better than Zach at any game they’ve ever played because he’s smart and thinks more critically than most people do. Physical therapy was getting easier for Alex each week and Zach wished that Alex could see how far he’d come in the past few months. After all, Alex couldn’t even grip a glass cup, lift it up and move it with his bad arm; he couldn’t stand up without the help of his cane and he definitely couldn’t walk long distances without Zach’s support or several breaks throughout. Zach was so stupidly proud of Alex—even on the super challenging days when they didn’t get a lot of work in.

                They reached the edge of the water and sat down, removing their shoes and enjoying the comfortable silence for a minute as the shoreline drew closer and engulfed their feet every couple of seconds. They sat close, enjoying the moment. It was so breathtaking, and Alex would be lying if he said there wasn’t a part of him that wanted to get into the water. He finally broke the silence, remembering that Zach still hadn’t answered how he found this place.

                “Alright, we’re by the water so now you’re going to tell me how you found this place.”

                “I found it about a week after my dad died, actually.” The answer came quickly to Alex’s surprise, but he didn’t know that Zach already had the answer on his lips even since he asked back at the car, eager to finally get his thoughts out into the open. Alex watched as Zach rubbed at the back of his neck, clearly plagued with a thousand feelings all at once.

                “Dude… I’m really sorry. I know I say it every time it comes up, but I can’t even imagine what that must feel like. I want you to know that you can like… talk about it, if you want to.”

                Zach knew that he could talk to Alex about anything; he wasn’t scared of what Alex would say, but more scared of the feelings that would result from talking about his dad so openly. After a moment of silence between the two boys, Zach finally sighed and turned toward Alex. “I used to come here and talk to him. I’d just sit here and stare out there, watch the water, and talk out loud about everything. I used to think that it was a way to feel like he was still alive, just listening to me. My mom would call me like… a dozen times but I would just let it ring. Sometimes I felt bad because I knew how she must’ve felt… I knew she was probably as sad if not sadder than I was, but she has always been really, really good and handling everything. May is a lot like her in that way, too and sometimes I feel like no one ever gets better because we’re all so _okay_ all the time. I’d sit here and wonder if something was wrong with me because I just couldn’t move on… couldn’t handle it like they could. I really love this place because it’s different than anything back home. Sometimes I would stay here until it got super late, and I’d wonder how it would feel if I never got in the car and drove back home to a broken family, even though I really did, and still do, love my mom and my sister. I feel guilty about that sometimes… but for a long time, nothing felt right without my dad.”

                “That’s heavy, Zach… but I get it. There’s nothing wrong with you for missing your dad… if anything, it’s super fucked up for your mom to not deal with that shit. Everyone’s pain looks different. Your pain is valid and it’s okay to feel it, and you _should_ talk about it.”

                “I know… it’s so fucked up though because some days I have a hard time hearing his voice in my head like I can’t remember what it sounded like for a split second, so I keep all his old voicemails on my phone. I never thought I’d lose my dad when I was this young, it just sucks…” Zach could feel water welling up in his eyes, so he quickly tries to redirect the conversation, “Sorry, I didn’t bring you here to lay all that stuff on you…”

                Alex ignores Zach’s redirecting statement, shaking his head, “Screw that—I asked because I care about you, and I genuinely wanted to know. You don’t have to fake it or apologize or like…be okay all the time.” Alex hesitates for a second before adding, “Have you brought anyone else here?”

                Zach smiles sheepishly, scooting closer to Alex. “No, just you. I thought you’d like it.”

                “I do like it, and it means a lot that you like, I don’t know… shared this part of yourself with me? It’s cool that you trust me…”

                Zach felt a sudden rush of blood to his cheeks, a faint blush sneaking its way up his neck. To distract himself from his own feelings at the moment, he splashes water up at Alex, who pushes him back playfully.

                “Alright, that’s enough of the serious stuff…” Zach jumps up and pulls his shirt completely over his head and tosses it onto the sand next to his bag, then begins to work on the button of his jeans. “Wanna get in the water, Standall?”

                “You’re changing… right here?” Alex has no time to hide his own blush, and Zach notices. He wonders if its just embarrassment, or maybe something more, but either way he just laughs and nods slowly, his eyebrows raised in joking-sarcasm. “In case you haven’t noticed, we are literally the only ones here.” Zach reaches a hand out to Alex, who grumbles to himself before taking it and standing.

                His protests are ignored, but he’s not _actually_ protesting, and Zach knows that which is why he’s grabbing Alex’s trunks and a bottle of sunscreen out of his duffle bag before Alex is even undressed. Alex, of course, rolls his eyes as soon as Zach turns with both items—especially the sunscreen.

                “Lifeguard… concerned soccer mom… you really are well rounded. Or, maybe my mom has gotten to you, too.”

                “Please, Alex…” Zach hands Alex his swim-trunks and begins to pour sunscreen into the palm of his hand, “We both know that I’m more of a cool dad… but yeah, your mom totally might have mentioned it about 1,000 times when I ran the plan for today by her.”

                “Shit. You’ll be using it too then?”

                Zach looks up at the sky in a fake-thoughtfulness before looking back at Alex with a grin, “Nope. But I also don’t sunburn so…”

                “That sounds like bullshit”

                Zach stares at Alex with a pleading puppy-dog look for an unreasonably long amount of time, intently pouting until Alex finally crosses his arms and groans in defeat. “Give me the fucking sunscreen, Dempsey.”

                Zach’s whole face lights up then. “Thank you for your cooperation, Standall—my pleasure.” He hands over the bottle and smiles triumphantly. “Would you like me to get your back for you?”

                He says it nonchalantly, completely unaware of how it resonates in the pit of Alex’s stomach. He can feel heat rising _everywhere_ so instead of saying anything he just nods and tries to keep his breath even, thinking about anything but Zach Dempsey’s hands on his body.

                As Zach’s fingers lace around Alex’s shoulders, Alex bites his tongue to keep any and all noises from slipping between his lips. He focuses intently on keeping his body as relaxed as possible, his expression subtle and unphased, and his heart from beating loud enough to give him away. He was so irritated with his own infatuation because obviously, he’d liked people before—both girls and boys. He’d never dated a guy, but it wasn’t like the feeling was completely foreign to him. However, he wasn’t the type to get _soft_ for anyone and yet here he was, completely engulfed in everything Zach Dempsey. No one made Alex melt like Zach did, and the worst part of it all was that Zach had no clue he was doing it and Alex couldn’t call him out for the freaking _tease_ he was because Alex knew that Zach had no intentions of making him feel this way. Alex just had to remind himself that Zach wasn’t interested in him like that, for obvious reasons. He’d already embarrassed the hell out of himself when he got a boner for him in the locker room after a little “physical contact” _(as Zach would say to make him feel less terrible about the situation)_ and although Zach didn’t shun him or treat him poorly because of that, it still couldn’t have been an ideal situation for him.

                So, in utter dismay, Alex lets Zach innocently help him: he ignores Zach’s large, comforting hands and how they wander from his shoulders to his lower back. He seals his lips tightly to avoid the sharp intake of breath that nearly slips when Zach places one hand on his side to nudge him a little closer while the other hand rubs sunscreen gently at his neck, sending chills up and down his spine. He secretly prays that each minute will pass slowly because he is really enjoying it and doesn’t want the moment to end, all while being _well aware_ that the longer their interaction persists, the harder it will be to keep composed.

                He then decides that _harder_ is not the best word choice at the moment as he notices his trunks are beginning to feel just a touch tighter on him. He didn’t have to look down to know that his body had begun to betray him all over again, but he’s not fully turned on yet so there is still time to save himself some dignity. He instinctively pulls away, as gently as he can in the heat of his own hidden embarrassment and sticks his hands into his pockets to pull his shorts farther away from his body—a naïve attempt at trying to look casual. Zach doesn’t necessarily look phased, but Alex doesn’t focus on him for the sake of calming himself down because _dear God he cannot get a boner for Zach again_.

                Alex directs his eyes to the water, relieved as he feels himself becoming relaxed again. “I’m sure that I have enough sunscreen on my body to last me the entire summer… let’s get in.”

                Zach secretly worries that he made Alex uncomfortable, which makes his stomach turn a little bit, but he pushes those feelings away and nods, “Yeah-uh-yeah, totally.” Both boys walk over to the water, but it’s Zach who enters first.

                The water was crisp and cool to the touch, just as he remembers from the summer before. He watches Alex carefully as he begins to ease into the water next to Zach, his body tensing and relaxing with each step. Once they both were settled in a place where the water reached no more than Alex’s shoulders, Zach playfully disappeared under water and reemerged, shaking his head and splashing water from his dripping hair and earning another shove from Alex. He’s still nervous that he’d crossed a boundary with his best friend, but he doesn’t want Alex to see that because _why should he feel that way in the first place_? On the surface, Zach worked diligently to Alex feel like his gestures were completely platonic; if he acted flustered about the gestures, however, it would reveal that they were deeper than friendly deeds and he didn’t want Alex to draw any conclusions.

                Well, _not yet at least._

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                By the time the boys got out of the water, the sun had already set. The sky was at its state of twilight, light still visible and faint colors emanating in the atmosphere even though the sun itself was no longer peeking over the horizon. This was Zach’s favorite time, right before dusk, when the moon met the daytime sky and seemed so small and yet so present, not yet accompanied by the familiar nighttime stars and not yet separated from the haze of sunset. He draped a towel over his shoulders and sat in the sand next to Alex. The early summer night had a slight chill, but nothing unbearable. He wrapped Alex’s towel around him anyway though, overwhelmed with a euphoric state of joy and summertime magic. It felt silly to him, like he was a kid showing off his secret hiding spaces all over again, but he didn’t care because the sensations bubbling inside his body had been too distant for so long, so he wanted to finally allow himself to relax and get drunk off all the feelings he’d normally hide. Zach was trying to find a million ways to make this night last longer when an idea popped into his head.

                “Are you hungry?”

                Alex perked up instantly, “ ** _Dude_** …fuuuuuck yes.”

                A wide smile spread across Zach’s face as he stood up. “Awesome. I know just the place.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Zach pulled up to a small, hole-in-the-wall restaurant. He watched Alex’s face go through several different expressions before landing on a sly smile of humorous disbelief.

                “Seriously, how the hell do you find these places?”

                “I guess I just have too much time on my hands…”

                “Obviously.” Alex looks at Zach who is already looking at Alex, and they both break out into hysteric laughter at nothing at all: both boys too giddy, too hungry, and altogether too engulfed in the moment to not laugh at the craziness that is life. After all, one year ago they might have been in the same circle, but they certainly didn’t know each other well. Zach hated looking back because it all felt like wasted time—how much closer could he and Alex be now had he saw how incredible he was then?

                Zach must have gotten lost in his thoughts because before he even realized Alex had gotten up in the first place, he was out of the car and swinging Zach’s car door open. A look of moderate concern dwindled in his eyes, which Zach immediately felt kind of guilty about—he was having such a good time and didn’t want Alex to think otherwise.

                He put on a smile and pushed his thoughts away, “Alex Standall opening my car door for me? What could’ve I done to deserve such a gesture?”

                “Don’t flatter yourself, I’m just really hungry.”

                “And here I was thinking I was special or something.”

                Zach runs to the door and holds it open for Alex with an exaggerated knight-like position, even bowing in a super goofy and dramatic way as Alex walked past him. They entered the diner and sat in the first available open booth they saw: there were a decent amount of people scattered about, all there for dinner and paying no attention to Alex and Zach. A waiter approached them within seconds of sitting down, leaving them with menus before he was tending to another table. Although the place was reasonably packed, the overall vibe was still peaceful, and the noise level was minimum. The diner back home was always filled wall-to-wall with teens, as it was more of a social hang-out place than a place people came to eat. Zach ordered the same thing every time he came to the diner, so he didn’t need to scan over the menu. Instead, he just watched in blissful silence as Alex read each option to himself.

                The waiter came back for their orders after about 2 minutes. Zach ordered a cheeseburger and a strawberry milkshake, while Alex ordered a cherry coke, chicken fingers, and extra fries. Zach laughed quietly to himself at Alex’s emphasis on the importance of the fries—Alex’s mom would kill Zach if she knew what he was letting Alex order, but there was something kind of admittedly cute about his excitement that made it all worthwhile.

                As soon as the food comes out, Alex and Zach begin to eat and share their favorite jokes; Zach tries to do the trick where the spoon sticks to his nose, but he drops it a million times and Alex nearly laughs so hard that cherry coke comes flying out of his nose. Everyone sees them, but no one cares, and the boys don’t care either because for once they’re in a comfortable place where they can be themselves 100% without worry of reputations being ruined, rumors being started, or people hurting them.

                Alex is decidedly smitten.

                Zach is moving next to Alex in their booth because just being across from him isn’t close enough.

                Everything is different with Alex: Zach dated a plethora of people before becoming close friends with Alex, but there was always pressure to fit into a stereotype: any girl that Zach was pushed to be with when he was friends with Bryce and some of the other guys in the “popular” crowd usually had a different set of intentions and expectations than he did. The girls were always nice, usually gorgeous, but they didn’t understand him, and he wasn’t cool and confident enough deep down to be entertaining to them. Once they were together and they saw how different Zach was from the guy he had to be at parties or in the lunchroom, the girls would usually move on quickly out of disinterest after about a week, or Zach would get cold feet and break it off because _something_ was missing.

                Then there was Hannah Baker.

                Zach had felt the potential to fall in love with Hannah—he had loved her but was never _in love_ with her. There was a lot of closure that came after the trials, and he knew that he couldn’t lay the weight of wistful dread on his chest any longer for something he couldn’t possibly control or change because he never knew that she was suicidal, or how deep her pain was. Ever since the trials began, all of them worked to right the wrongs, change who they were for the better; not just for Hannah but also for themselves. Zach had changed so much since that summer with Hannah, and he was finally starting to like the person he was becoming.

                In the long run, he knew that Hannah wasn’t his person and he wasn’t Hannah’s person. So much of their issues were due to the wrong place, wrong time. He was a different person back then, and he played the role of the guy she was supposed to date _before_ she found her _real_ person. After all, that’s how it worked, right for a lot of people, right? All the great books Zach had ever read always set up a love story by making the first “great love” – who inevitably breaks your heart—the person whose sole purpose is to prepare you for someone even better. He used to watch Clay leave Hannah little notes in her encouragement bag when she wasn’t looking; he marveled at how easy they connected and how effortless their feelings for one another seemed to be. Clay was oblivious of her affection for him unsurprisingly, but Zach used to spend hours wondering why he couldn’t break through with Hannah or with anyone for that matter. It wasn’t until Clay was gone for the summer that he and Hannah were finally able to explore the possibility of being together. Even though he wouldn’t trade their time together for anything, it made sense why things would have never worked out between them Zach: Clay was Hannah’s _even better_ , and a bunch of bullshit got in the way of that.

                Zach wished he could talk to her now, as a friend; she of all people would understand what to do and how to approach the situation about Alex. He imagined the booth across from him and Alex occupied by Hannah and Clay; he pictured them surrounded by all their friends who would pull up chairs around the table to just hang out and enjoy summer vacation without a worry in the world, like normal teenagers. He imagined her laughing and kissing Clay, truly happy like she deserved… like everyone deserved. She and Jess would tease Zach discreetly about how obvious he always was when he liked someone, joking about how unpredictable his heart was and they would possibly all be close like they were now, but with Hannah included. He thinks that _if only she had known, if only someone had told her how loved she was, if only she’d just said how she felt out loud, maybe it would be different._ And yet, maybe things would be as shitty as they were before, and the changes that happened wouldn’t have ever happened at all. It was impossible not to feel bad sometimes, and it was impossible to know how things would be if she were still alive. He sometimes felt that he couldn’t and shouldn’t be with anyone else because of the wrongs he’d made before, but it was becoming abundantly clear with time and reflection that hating himself forever wasn’t going to make the pain go away; it wouldn’t be what Hannah wanted and Zach just didn’t want to guard his heart away from the world anymore.

                He thought he’d never move on and reliving their relationship on trial was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. For months he’d convinced himself that he messed up his one and only chance at _maybe_ be in love with someone. Now he knows that is simply not true; the feelings he’d felt before were shy in comparison to the ones that drowned his sensibilities and made his heart beat a little off-kilter now.

                He didn’t just sway through the motions now, trying to find reasons to live and push through the pain: he _wanted_ to live and wanted to do more than put a temporary band-aid over his pain. Alex was undeniably his biggest motivator to be better and that was the main difference: Zach had loved Hannah, but he was falling _in love_ with Alex—they didn’t have to kiss or be intimate, and they didn’t hang out due to the convenience of summer loneliness, shared insecurities, or broken feelings—it was effortless and unforced with Alex, it didn’t come with shame or baggage because Zach loved Alex too much to allow himself to let fear win. Whatever was stirring between him and Alex, friendship or more was unconditional. Zach was finally doing what he wanted for once; hanging out with who he wanted, not letting reputation tempt him with its ugly lies, and loving someone even if they weren’t the picturesque person everyone always pushed him to be with. He’s finally being ballsy—Hannah would be proud. He hopes she knows how sorry he is somehow, and that if she were here now, knowing what he now knows, things would be _so different_. He mentally promises that he’ll _never_ be that version of himself again.

                That is why Zach moves to be closer to Alex, and why his arm is around him as soon as his tall frame is maneuvered into the tiny space—it’s why his heart beats so loudly he can hear it in his ears when Alex doesn’t seem negatively affected by the sign of affection, and he actually leans into the touch and just continues to laugh and smile with Zach in the middle of a tiny diner where no one knows who they are.

                “I wish we could be like this all the time.” Zach doesn’t mean to say it out loud, but it comes out of him like a tidal wave. He doesn’t regret it because it’s the truth and he wants to be honest with Alex because he’s the only person that never demanded the fake, surface-level version of Zach that was _inside the box._ Zach remembers when Justin first introduced Alex to their group of friends; he envied Alex Standall because he was okay with being different and he called people out on their bullshit. Back then, Alex was unpredictable and at times unapproachable, but somehow still was welcome into their clique without changing a thing about himself. Hell, Zach woke up every day in fear that his so-called “friends” would see through the character he tried so hard to portray, while Alex Standall didn’t even have to create an act: he was just Alex; Alex who played guitar in the _jazz band_ , Alex who had cool white-blonde hair, Alex who didn’t play sports, Alex who hung out at coffee shops and listened to vinyl records, and Alex who saw through Zach Dempsey and never said a word to him about it. Even then, Zach never saw Alex for his brokenness. Even after Alex attempted suicide Zach still saw him for all the things that kept him together, not all the shit that almost broke him apart. Zach cared about all the awesome character traits that pieced together like a complex puzzle to create the brave and magnificent Alex Standall. He hoped that Alex pushed Zach’s brokenness aside and knew that he was partially responsible for keeping Zach together now-a-days—he also hoped that he was making up for lost time, showing Alex all the parts of himself that he kept hidden for so long (slowly but surely).

                Alex normally didn’t lean into affection too much, but there was something comforting about Zach. He knows that Zach’s actions might simply be due to the joy of being out of school, but Alex doesn’t let that stop himself from basking in the moment. He takes in Zach’s smell—a mix of cologne, saltwater, and strawberry milkshakes. It’s such an odd combination, one that no one would normally pair, but Alex wishes he could bottle it and keep it by his bed for any moment when his memory evaded him. The scents would have been considered unextraordinary by themselves, but now they were associated with a moment, a person, a time and place that Alex never wanted to lose.

                “Yeah…me too.” Alex knows it’s not a lofty response, but he intentionally puts more into the _way_ he says it, into the way his eyes meet Zach’s. He hopes that Zach will know that when he says he agrees that they could do things like this all the time, he _actually_ means for the rest of their life.

                They finish their food slowly, enjoying each other’s company and in no rush to leave their place of comfort. The waiter kept refilling their drinks and never asked questions; people filed in and out of the restaurant and never once made a face or looked down on Alex and Zach. If they could have stayed there all night, chances are they would have in a heartbeat. However, it’s Alex’s failed attempt at stifling a yawn that makes Zach realize how late it is and how far of a drive they have until they’re back at Alex’s house.

                So, instead of getting a fourth round of refills, Zach asks for the check and begins to help a sleepy Alex out of the booth. Alex’s legs are especially tired, and he tries not to show it but after a long day all he wants to do is curl up in his bed and sleep— _preferably next to Zach_.

                “You can stay over tonight if you want.”

                Zach wants to say yes, but he remembers that he promised he’d go to breakfast with his mom and May in the morning. “Unfortunately, I can’t; my mom would kill me if I ditched plans with her and May tomorrow morning… but I can come over afterward if that’s cool with you?”

                Alex sleepily nods, knowing good and well that Zach will probably be there before he wakes up in the morning anyway, so it’s really not a huge deal. He finds comfort in knowing that the first person he will see tomorrow is Zach.

                When they go to the counter to pay, Zach doesn’t even humor Alex when he pulls out his wallet; he doesn’t even let Alex leave the tip. He would normally protest, insisting to pay his share of the meal, but Zach approaches it in a way that is irrefutable: it would be a loss from the start to tell Zach Dempsey that he couldn’t be his good-natured, selfless self. Among hundreds of other little things, and _yes_ — _Alex did have a written list of those 100+ things_ —Zach’s caring nature and genuine heart was something Alex was the fondest of. 

                They left the diner and plopped into Zach’s car lazily. Although Alex normally reached for the radio, he let Zach take control this time. The soft music wasn’t something Alex would have chosen, but he liked to pick up little pieces of Zach when he could get them.

                “You should make me a playlist, Dempsey.”

                Zach attempted to mimic Alex’s famous sarcasm, “But Alex, I thought my music lacked _depth_!”

                “I still want to listen to it anyway.”

                “And why is that?”

                “Because you like it, and it means something to you.”

                Zach smiles warmly and nods, “Okay, sure. I’ll make you a playlist. But you’ve gotta’ make me one, too.”

                “Deal.” Alex rests his head on the window and closes his eyes, the simple meter of the song coasting him into a comfortable state of sleeping. Zach makes sure to take a picture of Alex in his state of slumber at the next stop sign and admire the photo for only a moment before setting it as Alex’s contact picture in his phone. He thinks about setting it as his lock screen wallpaper, too but decides that the contact photo will do for the moment.

                The drive home feels shorter than the drive there, partially because of the lack of traffic but also because Zach’s mind is preoccupying him with a million thoughts, mostly positive, and it’s keeping him alert enough to really take in the world around him and appreciate the night for everything it was.

                Two hours of driving with Alex goes too quickly. Zach pulled into the driveway of the Standall residence and helped Alex move exhaustedly from the front seat, up to his front door, up the stairs, and eventually into his bedroom. He tries to keep himself from cutting up at Alex’s cranky comments about being _so fucking tired it’s not even funny_ because contrary to Alex’s own beliefs, it actually was quite funny to watch. He leaned on Zach heavily while climbing the stairs, not really cooperating too well but Zach didn’t care, he was just happy to be with Alex and wished that he didn’t have to leave him at all.

                Once Alex was in bed, Zach began to head out the door. He looked back before stepping out, taking one last glance at Alex before he left.

                “Do you need anything else before I go?”

                Alex rolled over and practically groaned at Zach, “No…light…”

                Zach flipped the light switch off and grabbed Alex’s blanket which had fallen to the floor with all his tossing and turning. He laid it over Alex and placed his hand reassuringly on his shoulder.

                “Goodnight, Alex. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

                “Night Zach…love you.”

                A furious blush crept its way onto Zach’s cheeks, but he didn’t need to hide it in the dark. He stood frozen for a second, his chest pounding with excited adrenaline. _He’s asleep, he won’t remember this. He doesn’t mean it like that. Alex doesn’t get super sentimental, he obviously doesn’t know what he’s saying. He means it like a friend._ A million thoughts begin bouncing against the wall of insecurity in Zach’s mind, but he shakes them off anyway, allowing a sweet, airy laugh to escape his lips as he fumbled hazily to the door, his energy making him heavier on his feet as it mixed with his own exhaustion.

                “I love you too, Alex.”

                …and regardless if Alex meant it, or if he’ll remember it in the morning, Zach can’t deny that he feels so damn good saying it back.


End file.
